


The Taming Of River Tam

by ArtemisFallen



Category: Firefly
Genre: Friendship, Funny, Growing Pains, Pre-Serenity (2005), Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-06 01:10:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12806310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtemisFallen/pseuds/ArtemisFallen
Summary: A short story surrounding the crew of Serenity. River Tam is beginning to feel certain urges and has set her sights on Jayne of all people. Hilarity ensues as Jayne struggles to keep River at bay and the crew explores other options to help River contend with her newfound feelings.





	1. Chapter 1

Malcolm, Zoe, and Jayne sat at what used to be Serenity’s dinner table. They had since repurposed it for the time being and it now served as their weapons cleaning area. The air was pungent with the bite of gun oil as each of them scoured their disassembled weapons, muttering idly about the next job they had lined up.

“Another message came through earlier from Memphis,” Zoe muttered, rubbing a stained and worn cloth over the sleek barrel of her Mare’s Leg. “He says he’s willin’ to talk business.”

“Memphis? Ain’t he still sore o’er what happened the last time he hired us?” Jayne asked distractedly as he blew traces of lint off the stock of his rifle.

“That blunder weren’t ourn,” Mal protested as he began to reassemble his gun. “‘Sides, we got most the product delivered intact. Memphis knows we’re good as our word.”

Zoe cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t you mean as good as our guns, sir?”

A smile hinged on Mal’s mouth. “That, too.”

“I say we see money first,” Jayne interjected. “Seein’s how he might think we still owe him somethin’ after last time.”

“Oh, I don’t think he’s keen on keepin’ grudges,” Mal replied casually.

“Is that why you got us cleanin’ our weapons, sir?” Zoe asked slyly.

A broad grin broke across Mal’s face. “Routine maintenance. Plus, ain’t hurtin’ nothin’ in bein’ prepared.”

Jayne snickered and Zoe smirked knowingly. Mal was never looking for a fight, but always seemed to find one. Zoe lifted her eyes and her expression changed from amusement at the lighthearted banter to shock. 

“Sir?” Zoe whispered, lifting her chin and indicating to something behind the Captain. Mal  shifted in his chair and turned to see River standing in the doorway of the common area. However, standing was a generous term. She languished against the metal of the doorway, wearing a dress far more revealing than any of the ones her fancible brother got her.

“ _ Feh Feh Pi Goh!”  _ Mal gasped unhappily as he gazed at River. “Where’d you find that getup?” The gown was incredibly tight, accenting her young body in all the right places. It was also remarkably sheer, adorned with stitched flower blossoms strategically weaved into the thin fabric. They were the only things protecting River’s virtue. 

She ignored Mal’s question, tilting her head and coyly fluttering her eyelashes as her hand trailed intimately down her body. Jayne’s rifle clattered noisily against the table and Mal grimaced, grateful it hadn’t been loaded.

“Uh, River, honey,” Zoe ventured uncomfortably. “Did you take that from Inara?”

“She has pretty things,” River responded softly, her eyes drifting over Mal and Zoe before settling on Jayne. She looked at him as if she were a predator stalking prey. Her gaze was so intense that it caused both Mal and Zoe to peer over at Jayne quizzically.

“ _ Yoa Nu! _ ” Jayne exhaled forcefully, fidgeting under her stare. “What she want, ya figure?”

“By the looks of it, I reckon it’s you she’s after,” Mal replied jokingly.

Before Jayne could respond, River swiftly and silently bounded from the doorway and leapt onto the table, startling both Mal and Zoe. She crouched low to the surface, sliding her lithe and limber body towards Jayne.

A frantic pleading ripped through Jayne’s expression as his eyes swept in dismay to the Captain and his crewmate. River approached him, crouching and sliding the length of her body against the table before placing a single finger on Jayne’s dirty yellow shirt. 

“Jayne,” she whispered his name in a slow, singsong way, her eyes raptly fixed to his.

“Mal, Zoe,” Jayne murmured nervously as he leaned away from her. “What’s goin’ on? She’s lookin’ at me like she’s a snake and I’m a gorram mouse!”

“I don’t gotta a clue what to make of this oddness,” Mal scoffed. “Zoe?”

“Don’t look at me, sir,” Zoe replied.

“We should copulate,” River remarked with a precise emotionless matter of factness that shocked the group into a stunned silence as they gaped at her. 

“Er-come again?” Jayne mumbled, unable to grasp the strange girl who beheld him.

“Yes,” Mal echoed, clearing his throat and leaning forward. “Might you repeat that?”

River remained undaunted, her eyes still focused on Jayne. “We should mate,” she replied more simply. “It’s logical.”

Zoe pursed her lips, endeavoring to halt the laughter which threatened to shake loose from her. “I’ve heard some strange things in my day, but this has gotta be the strangest.”

“It’s biological,” River continued, ignoring the others. “Survival of the species, procreation. The strongest and most desirable male.”

Zoe snorted, her sniggers escaping in little torrents as she placed the back of her hand against her mouth. “Jayne? The most desirable?”

“Listen here, I don’t---” Jayne began, only to be silenced by River’s finger as she placed it firmly against his lips. 

“Candidates for male intercourse are limited,” River explained. “Other potential prospects are no longer viable due to extraneous circumstances including prior commitments, chasteness, blood relation, and geriatric age, making this the most logical alternative.”

“Did she--” Mal turned to Zoe in mock bewilderment. “Did she just call me old?” 

“I do see some wrinkles, sir,” Zoe chuckled, finding it increasingly difficult to contain her laughter.

“Oh, yeah, this is Hi-larious, Zoe,” Jayne grumbled. “I could use a little help here, Mal. I’m a mite pinched.”

“No, no,” Mal replied, holding up his hand. “I think you got this under control, Jayne.”

Jayne growled under his breath, glaring at River. “Now, lookit here, little girl--”

River grabbed his cheeks, squeezing his lips together and effectively silencing him. “Don’t deny you’ve never thought of it. What bedding me would be like. I can see inside your mind.”

Jayne wrenched his face from her grip. He bared his teeth at her. “Don’t go traipsin’ ‘round in my head! Them thoughts is mine, ya hear!”

“What little thoughts there are,” Zoe interjected, succumbing to her suppressed laughter.

“It ain’t funny!” Jayne sputtered.

“I can’t put too much a fine point on it, but I’m gonna have to disagree with that fact there,” Mal chuckled.

“Lotta help the two of you are!” Jayne griped as he shoved himself away from the table. Before he could stand, River slid herself off the table and into Jayne’s lap, deftly wrapping her legs around his waist and the chair.

“Get off me, gorram it! Git!” Jayne swore, pushing against her shoulders ineffectively while trying to stand. 

River leaned into him, her lips close to his ear. “You can’t resist. The primal drive of all animals is to mate and you’ve exhibited behavior proving you are the most primal animal of all. It’s only a matter of time.”

River quickly unhooked her legs from Jayne and stood. Jayne gazed at her incredulously as she trailed her fingers sensually over his chest. The others gawked at her in wonderment as she casually departed from the room.

Beads of sweat shimmered against Jayne’s brow. His chest rose and fell with unsteady breaths. “What the hell just happened? She’s actin’ like some crazed doxy!”

Mal shook his head, returning his attention to his weapon. “Looks to me like you got yourself an admirer. A  _ Wei Shian Dohn Woo.” _

“I’d lock my bunk tonight if I were you,” Zoe said. “Never know what you might find creepin’ up on you.”

“This ain’t funny!” Jayne reiterated vehemently. “She’s like one of them things that’s only after my manhood!”

“I’m surprised to hear someone like you objectifyin’ to that,” Mal quipped.

“Well, normally, no,” Jayne replied defensively. “But most women I go ruttin’ ain’t moonbrained!”

“I would argue against that,” Zoe remarked nonchalantly as she pushed herself away from the table and stood.  

Jayne rolled his eyes. “I’m glad you two are getting your laughs on, but this is serious!”

Mal holstered his gun and nodded. “You’re right. It is. I’m gonna have a chat with the Doc and see if I can suss out why his sister’s rubbin’ ‘round you like a cat in heat.”

“Might want to use a gentler term than that, sir,” Zoe advised. “It is his sister, after all.”

“Oh, right,” Mal hummed. “Rather insensitive of me, but you know how us old folks can be.” 

He turned on his heel and strode to the door as Zoe followed closely behind.

“Hey!” Jayne called out in a panicked voice. “You’re not just gonna leave me here alone, are ya?”

“What’s wrong, Jayne?” Zoe derided. “Can’t fend off a little girl?”

“It’s not that,” Jayne mumbled abashedly. “I just don’t know if I can be alone with her while she’s crawlin’ around all slinky like.” He gave a lecherous grin. “I am a man, after all.”

Zoe scoffed. “You’re a  _ Chwen Joo _ .”

Mal smirked at Zoe’s remark. “I’ll send in Shepherd Book. He can protect your…” Mal waved his hand. “ _ Ji ba _ from brazen little girls.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Doc,” Mal announced loudly as he and Zoe strode into the medical room. Simon turned tentatively to the Captain, his eyes wide and questioning. 

“What can I do you for you, Captain?” He asked with his usual strained politeness. “Did one of you shoot yourselves while cleaning your weapons?”

Mal gave him a humorless smile. The Doc had a bitter attitude towards Mal, his crew, and Serenity. Most days, Mal fancied what it would be like to space him or ditch him on some backwater hole forgotten by most of the civilized ‘verse.

“How’s your sister?” Mal asked politely, throwing the Doctor’s carefully constructed demeanor off guard.

Simon’s eyes widened even more as his gaze darted to Zoe for clarification. “Fine.” He blurted out quickly. “Just fine.” His eyes continued to do their worried dance between Mal and Zoe. “Wait, why?”

The sweet tingle of the Doctor’s apprehension drifted over Mal and he reveled in the sensation of it. The Captain wasn’t a cruel man exactly, but he did enjoy watching the good Doctor twitch a bit.

“Fine, huh?” Mal echoed, turning playfully to Zoe. “Would you say that’s a fittin’ description, Zoe?”

Zoe tilted her head. “Can’t say it is, sir.”

Simon appeared uneasy as he disregarded his notes and tools. “What happened? What did River do?”

“Well, your lil’ sister has taken to thievin’ some of Inara’s clothes,” Mal began.

Simon stared incredulously at Mal, sighing heavily in relief. “Is that all?” He scoffed. “Quite honestly, I’m surprised she hasn’t done something like this already given the example you set for her.”

Mal wasn’t riled by the flippant remark, but more amused. “Oh, I ain’t set no examples worthy of the spectacle she just made of herself.”

Simon became rigid and Mal fought against the urge to laugh at his discomfort. The Doc ruffled like a prissy bird.

“What does that mean?” Simon ventured cautiously.

Zoe breathed in deeply. “River was wearing somethin’ rather revealin’. She...wanted somethin’ from one of us.”

Simon’s brow furrowed. “I’m not following. What did she do exactly?”

Zoe looked over to Mal, hoping he would finish the story.   
“Your sister was crawlin’ all over Jayne and tried to mount him like a prized bull,” Mal blurted out. Zoe rolled her eyes, shaking her head with disapproval.

“What?” Mal asked innocently.

Simon gaped between the two of them. “You...You’re joking, right?” He began laughing nervously. “That’s a good one. You almost had me for a second.”

Mal and Zoe stood in grim silence. The Doctor’s laughs subsided and he swallowed hard. “Oh, God, you’re serious?”

Mal nodded. “‘Fraid so, Doc.”   
Simon stumbled back, bracing his hand against his medical desk for support. Zoe went to him, placing a friendly hand on his shoulder in an effort to comfort him.

“Why would she do that? And Jayne? Why Jayne?” Simon asked, looking to Zoe. “I don’t understand. Why not Wash? I mean, I know he’s your husband, but that still makes him viable.”

“According to River, that makes him undesirable,” Zoe soothed. “Preacher, too.”

Simon looked over to Mal. “Then why not you?”

Mal shrugged. “Couldn’t speculate.”

“River said he was too old,” Zoe replied.

“Hurtful!” Mal gasped. “I have feelings, ya know?”

Zoe gave him a wicked smile. “Of course you do, sir.”

Simon swallowed hard. He was pale and appeared sick. Mal decided to take pity on him.

“Any ideas on why she’s behavin’ like this?” He asked.

Simon shook his head. “River doesn’t think like we do. She doesn’t feel like we do. Everything is magnified, thrown out of proportion. She’s very meticulous and logical. But if she’s…” Simon grimaced at the thought. “Ovulating, she may be driven by those disproportionate desires to… to…”

“Copulate?” Mal finished helpfully using River’s word.

“Oh, dear God,” Simon winced, supporting himself against the desk once again. A smile twitched at the edge of Mal’s lip. He never claimed to be a good man.

“Can’t you just give her a sedative?” Zoe asked. “Lock her up for a bit? It’s better than the alternative.”

“She’s built up a decent resistance against sedatives,” Simon replied. “But maybe I can talk to her and try to make her see reason. If not, I could try to use a sedative on her.”

“You do that, Doc,” Mal said. “In the meantime, me and Zoe got some work needs done.”

“Wait!” Simon gasped as Mal turned away. “What about Jayne?”

Mal didn’t falter in his stride. “Don’t you fret none. Shepherd’s protectin’ your sister’s virtue by babysittin’ Jayne in the dock.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Two hundred,” Jayne grunted, straining against the weights as he lifted the set from his chest. “Nothin’ to it, Preacher.”

“I must say, your endurance has certainly come a long way,” Shepherd Book remarked.

“Got a mighty excess of energy to burn,” Jayne panted. “Add more of them weights, will ya?”

“You’re sure you can handle more reps?” Shepherd Book asked skeptically.

“Gorram right I am,” Jayne remarked, wiping the sweat from his brow. 

“Alright,” Shepherd Book conceded, adding more weight to the bar. “Before you begin, why don’t you take a small rest, son? You need to stay hydrated.”

Jayne assessed his damp shirt. “Yeah, okay, Preach.”

“I’ll fetch us some water before you pass out,” Shepherd Book offered. “I advise against trying any reps alone. Your muscles are fatigued.”

“I hear ya,” Jayne muttered. “I’ll wait.”

Shepherd Book nodded and disappeared. Jayne promptly grabbed the bar and lifted it again, bouncing twenty more reps off his chest before he heard someone enter the room.

“Don’t go castigatin’ me none, Preacher,” Jayne muttered. “I’m handlin’ it just fine.”

Shepherd Book didn’t answer. Jayne rested the bar against his chest, twisting his head around. “Shepherd, you in here?”

River poked her head over Jayne’s line of sight, causing him to let out a startled yelp. She grabbed the bar, pushing down on it.

“What are you doin’, girl?” Jayne growled, pushing up against the bar. River leaned her weight on it, stepping agily over the weight bench and straddling Jayne. He fought against her unyielding hands, his arms shaking with effort. Shepherd Book had been right, Jayne’s muscles were already exhausted from his strenuous workout. Had he not been so tired, he could’ve easily escaped her grip. However, that was not the case and River had the upperhand. Jayne realized that she’d been waiting for this opportunity and now he was trapped.

“Oh,  _ go shi _ ,” he muttered.

River sat on top of him, a smug smile tugging at her mouth. Jayne struggled to keep his eyes away from her body. Given his position, there was nothing about her that was left to his imagination under the sheer dress.

River trailed one hand over his face, dropping her chest to his and giving him a full view of her assets. “I know you like what you see.”

“You don’t know nothin’” Jayne grumbled, tearing his eyes away from her.

River lifted up, looking confidently between her legs which straddled his hips. “I know what I feel.”

“That don’t mean nothin’!” Jayne growled. “Damn thing’s got a mind of its own.”

“Illogical,” River contended. “It is a reaction to visual and sexual stimuli which increases blood flow until pressure builds up within the---”

“Stop talkin’ like that!” Jayne barked. “I ain’t gonna tell you again; get off!”

”That is my intention,” River remarked darkly.

“You did not just say that to me,” Jayne gaped, flabbergasted. He grunted, pushing against the weights, gaining very little leverage before River used both hands to force the bar back down against his chest.

“The longer you fight, the longer it will take,” River sang nonchalantly. 

“ _ Fa Kuang _ !” Jayne yelled at her, his voice hoarse from the strain of the weights against his ribcage. Her hand trailed over his stomach and down to him. He wriggled his hips ineffectively under her. 

“Hey! Hey!” He shouted. “Get away from there!”

River stopped, staring at him with confused wonder. “Why?”   
“Because it’s wrong!” He snapped.

“Why is it wrong?” She pushed.

“‘Cause... ‘cause you’re.... you!” Jayne sputtered. 

“Your arguement is invalid,” River surmised softly. “I am a consenting woman desiring sexual intercourse with a male capable of the same act.” She leaned down to Jayne, her face mere inches from his. “But I would prefer a consenting male.”

“Well, you ain’t got one,” he huffed, barely hanging on to his resolve. It’s been a mighty long time while since a woman had been this close to him.

River tilted her head, as if she were trying to get inside his mind. “Your body indicates one thing while your mouth says another.” She considered. “This is problematic, but can be solved.”

“What are you--?” Jayne started as River pressed her mouth against his. Jayne struggled under her lips, nearly immobile from the weight of her body against his and the bar which pressed heavily into his chest. Her tongue invaded his mouth and his willpower began to slip even more. It really had been a long time...

“A-A-Ahem,” a loud voice echoed. River broke the kiss, looking over to Shepherd Book who stood in the doorway with canteens of water. Jayne looked over to him as well.

“Preacher, help!” He gasped. River quickly slid off Jayne, smirking. 

“Won’t be long now,” she sang, skipping lightly past Shepherd Book and disappearing.

“Good you came when you did!” Jayne exhaled. “That  _ Yoa Nu  _ was gonna sexify me.”

He strained against the weights, endeavoring to push them off his chest. His arms were spent.

Shepherd Book strode over to Jayne and stood over him. 

“A little help, Preacher?” Jayne grunted.

Shepherd Book reached over and started pressing down against the weights, lowering them back to Jayne’s bruised chest. Jayne’s eyes went wide.

“What the hell are ya doin’? He yelled, gasping for breath.

“I think you and I need to have a little discussion about a place I like to call The Special Hell,” Shepherd Book replied calmly.


	4. Chapter 4

“So, let me get this straight,” Wash chuckled, enjoying the anger and discomfort which seethed from Jayne. “You’ve been assigned to stay here on the bridge with me so I can protect you from a ninety pound girl who overpowered you and nearly sexed you up?”   
“It ain’t like that!” Jayne barked. “She had me pinned under them weights. What was I supposed to do?”

Wash shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe lift her off you? Be a  _ Nuhn Tze Huhn?” _

“Listen, little man, I will cut out your tongue and space your gorram body,” Jayne threatened.

“Ooh, someone’s tetchy,” Wash laughed. “But I guess being overpowered by a little girl will do that to someone like yourself. Me? I have a woman and she can overpower me anytime she feels like it.”

“Yeah, you keep talkin’,” Jayne muttered unhappily.

“Everyone gettin’ along up here?” Zoe interrupted, stepping onto the bridge followed by Mal.

Wash gave her a dazzling smile. “Yes, dear. Jayne and I were just discussing his latest encounter with River.”

Zoe strode over to Wash and kissed him, sitting casually on his lap. Zoe gazed at Jane. “Heard tell if Preacher hadn’t interrupted, there might’ve been a show.”

“I couldn’t stop her,” Jayne snarled.

“Of course not!” Wash replied emphatically. “Bein’ trapped and all.”

Jayne angrily wrung his hands, doing his best to ignore Wash’s jabs. “Her hands were roamin’ all over me. I tell ya, there’s only so much a man can take ‘fore he gives in.”

Wash snickered loudly. “Ah, yes, it’s a terrible thing, being desired.” 

“Hey!” Jayne snapped. “You try gettin’ lectured ‘bout Preacher’s special Hell.”

“Oh, you got that, too?” Mal asked, intrigued. The three crew members looked over to him in surprise.

Mal cleared his throat, quickly changing the subject. “So, we were thinkin’ that until the Doc finds out how to calm his sister down that you’d be better served hunkerin’ in here with Wash.”

“Why do I have to babysit?” Wash complained.

“We’re takin’ shifts,” Zoe explained. “And you’re up.”

“Fine,” Wash gave an exaggerated sigh as he looked over to Jayne. “You can stay here. I promise not to take sexual advantage of you.”

Jayne jumped up from his seat and took a menacing step towards Wash. Zoe stood quickly, blocking Jayne’s path and glaring at him.

“There a problem, Jayne?” Zoe asked in a low, serious tone. 

Jayne flexed his jaw unhappily, shaking his head and retreating to his seat without a word.

“You two gonna be okay in here?” Mal asked skeptically.

“We’ll be fine,” Jayne promised. “Long as you keep her away from me.” Jayne gazed out at the stars. “I don’t wanna go to the special Hell.”

“What is this ‘Special Hell’ I keep hearing about?” Wash asked.

“Trust me,” Jayne shuddered. “You don’t wanna know.”


	5. Chapter 5

“What’s wrong with River, Cap’n?” Kaylee asked.

“Don’t fret none ‘bout it, Kaylee,” Mal replied, watching River throw a beaker of liquid at Simon as he dodged it. “Doc’s got it handled.”

The beaker shattered against the wall. “ _ Ung Jeong Jia Ching Jien Soh! _ ” River screamed.

“River, stop, please!” Simon pleaded, warily approaching her as she continued to throw a tantrum. He held a sedative cautiously in his hand.

“Looks like he’s got his hands full to me,” Kaylee speculated. She sucked in a sharp breath as River struck Simon across the face.

“Oh, that’s gonna mark,” she hissed, her tone both amused and worried.

“Don’t you got engines in need of calibratin’?” Mal asked.

“Nah, everything’s shiny. ‘Sides, Jayne’s hidin’ in the engine room,” Kaylee replied, her eyes going wide as River slapped Simon again. 

Mal turned to Kaylee. “He’s expected to be on the bridge with Wash.”

Kaylee glanced at Mal, suddenly remembering she was supposed to keep Jayne’s location a secret. “Oh, shoot. I wasn’t meant to say nothin’.”

“It’s fine,” Mal muttered, turning his attention back to River’s outburst. “Long as we got eyes on one of ‘em.”

“Did she really crawl all over Jayne like he says?” Kaylee asked, wrinkling her nose.

Mal nodded, watching River climb up on the table and wave a broken shard of glass at Simon. Mal wondered when he’d have to intervene. He’d never seen her quite so violent. “Yeah, she did.”

“Wow,” Kaylee exhaled. “I ain’t never been that hard up! I’d go through a whole year’s supply of batteries and jury rigged power supplies ‘fore I got that desperate.”

Mal’s face twisted in disgust. “I don’t need to be hearin’ that!”

“Think she just needs to let off some steam? Get a quick ‘O’ and be happy?” Kaylee continued.

Mal turned to her. “Listen, little Kaylee, it’s getting a mite hard to hear such talk comin’ from you.”

Kaylee shrugged. “I’m jus’ sayin’, Cap’n, that maybe someone oughta let her know there’s more options than just Jayne.”

“I can’t believe I’m askin’ this, but what’ve you got in mind?” Mal asked.

“Can she wait ‘til port?” Kaylee wondered. “We could find her a nice boy whore to bed. A  _ Kai Tze _ ?”

Before Mal could reply River screamed at Simon, upending the table she had been perched upon before dashing across the room and jumping on top of the bed. 

“Don’t think port’s a viable option,” Mal murmured, watching as the frenzied Doctor endeavored to coax River down. Somehow, she had managed to find a scalpel and was now wielding it in front of her. “Not unless we wanna see the good Doctor made into a pile of ribbons.”

“What about Inara?” Kaylee offered.

Mal started to shoot down the idea, but then tilted his head at the logic. “You might be onto somethin’, Kaylee. Wish me luck.”

Mal opened the door to the medical room.  

“Good luck, Captain,” Kaylee called, craning her neck to catch a glimpse of Simon over Mal’s shoulder. “I’m just gonna go keep Jayne company, I guess.”

“ _ Ni Ta Na De! Tua Xia Suo You De Ren Dou Gai Si!”  _ River screamed.

“River!” Simon gasped. “Where did you learn such vile language?”

“I won’t take credit for the thievin’, but I might be guilty of that one,” Mal interrupted. “How goes, Doc?”

Simon glared at Mal. “How do you think?” He focused his attention on River. “ _ Mei-Mei _ , please come down from there.”

“Simon, you  _ Qing Wa Cao De Liu Mang,  _ if you come near me with the needle, I will shove it up your  _ Ho Tze Duh Pi Gu! _ ” River threatened.

“Whoa,” Mal chuckled. “Them’s some serious, mean words.”

“Yes,” Simon mumbled. “Thank you for teaching them to her.”

“Hey, I only took credit for the phrase,” Mal quipped defensively. “Anythin’ else, she learnt her own self.”

“That makes it so much better,” Simon replied snidely.

Mal approached River, his hands raised peaceably. “What say you put down the knife and we discuss this all civilized like?”

“No needles?” River demanded, looking unhappily at Simon who had a purple bruise angrily rising against his cheek.

“No needles,” Mal assured her, reaching back and plucking the syringe from Simon’s hand and tossing it against the opposite wall. “No need for such unpleasantness”

River nodded warily, easing herself off the bed and dropping her arm. The scalpel slid from her fingers and bounced off the cluttered floor.

“Okay,” River agreed. 

“Good,” Mal breathed in relief, secretly relishing in the ire which emanated from Simon. “Now, I’m gonna talk to your brother outside so we can suss out what’s best for you.”

“Just bring Jayne!” River shouted.

Mal smiled. “That ain’t the best, trust me.” He grabbed Simon’s arm and pulled him through the medical door, shutting it behind them.

“I don’t know what to do!” Simon whined as he watched River pace the room like a caged animal. 

“Well, I think it would benefit us all to go see Inara,” Mal offered.

“What?!” Simon asked shrilly. “Mal, you can’t honestly be suggesting...?”

“Oh, I am,” Mal finished.

“So, what? You’re just going to ask Inara to…” Simon trailed off.

“No, I’m not.” Mal smiled. “You are.”

“I can’t do that!” Simon blustered, his face turning scarlet with his embarrassment.

“Well, let’s just review the options we got so far,” Mal began. “We got Inara or we got Jayne.”

Simon’s face crumpled. “I don’t know which is worse.”

River threw a drawer full of supplies against the viewing glass of the medical room. She glared at the men as they turned to her. 

“It’s your decision, Doc,” Mal hummed. “Best see to it soon, though. Can’t have her tearin’ up my boat.”


	6. Chapter 6

“How’d it go?” Zoe asked as Simon shuffled into the common area. He ignored Zoe’s question and went straight to the locked cabinet, fiddling with the combination before yanking it open. He grabbed the jug of wine Kaylee had made with her creative engine fermentation system from the shelf, not even bothering to pull down a cup as he uncapped the bottle and took a long swig.

“Oh,” Zoe mused. “That bad, huh?”

Simon panted as he pulled the jug from his lips. “I spoke with Inara at the Captain’s urging.” Simon took another long drink, groaning in disgust of the liquid. “I made a fool out of myself, requesting that she help quell my sister’s...my sister’s…”   
“Desires?” Zoe offered helpfully.

Simon closed his eyes, his brow pinching together. “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I had to plead with Inara for her help only to have River reject her. She wouldn’t even hear us out or consider it.”

Zoe stood, striding over to the doctor and gently taking the jug from his hand. She grabbed two cups, pouring them both a decent sized drink before capping the bottle and returning it to the shelf.

“That River’s handiwork?” Zoe asked, nodding to Simon’s bruised cheekbone.

“Yeah,” Simon mumbled. “She’s never been this bad or this violent towards me before.” He nursed his cup. “I don’t know what to do.”

Zoe leaned her hip into the counter. “Want my advice?”

Simon peered over at her and nodded emphatically.

“You’re not gonna like it,” Zoe warned.

Simon scoffed ruefully. “I’m not liking much these days.”

“Sometimes the simplest answer’s the one that’s standin’ right in front of you,” Zoe remarked sagely. 

“Wha-” Simon tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“Stop fightin’ with you sister and give her what she wants,” Zoe said.

Simon sputtered and choked on the wine as he took a drink. “You can’t be serious? Jayne? You’re telling me to let River and Jayne--” His jaw dropped open, but no sound came out. He began to shake his head. “No, no. Absolutely not!”

“There are worse things out there in the ‘verse than Jayne,” Zoe responded as she drank from her cup. “He may be  _ Chwen  _ and ill mannered, but at least he’s someone you know. Not some stranger  _ Pi Gu. _ There’s somethin’ to be said for that.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Simon asked.

Zoe smiled. “Did it?”   
A rigid smile pulled at Simon’s lips. “A little.”

“Oh, we celebratin’ or drownin’ our miseries? Mal asked as he walked into the common room, spying the drinks. 

“A little of both,” Zoe replied. 

“Then I’ll imbibe some,” Mal said. Zoe offered the Captain her cup. 

“So, what’s the latest on your sister, Doc?” Mal asked.

Simon shook his head. “She doesn’t want Inara.”

“Now that’s a shame,” Mal quipped as he took a drink of the wine.

Zoe gave Simon an encouraging nod. He sighed, downing the rest of the wine. “I can’t believe I’m going to do this. I’m going to ask Jayne to sleep with my sister.” Simon’s face twisted with a sour look as if he smelled something odorous.

Mal gazed at Simon, offering him the rest of the wine in his cup. Simon took it, downing the liquid and grimacing.

“I just feel so dirty,” Simon confessed. “Pawning River off to that man ape.”

“Sometimes the right thing is dirty,” Mal replied. “Don’t do any good to look at it like that. See it as a business deal. Your sister gets what she wants and in return we buy us some peace and quiet.”

“Not sure how, but that just makes it worse,” Simon complained.

“Well, can’t help ya there,” Mal sighed. “Oh, one other thing, ‘fore you go makin’ this deal, you might want to make sure Jayne sheathes his sword.”

Zoe wrinkled her nose in disgust and Simon blinked in confusion.

“Wh-what?” Simon stammered.

Mal grinned wickedly. “Well, we wouldn’t want no little Jayne’s runnin’ about now, would we?”

“ _ Kuh Wa,” _ Zoe muttered, shaking her head.

Simon covered his mouth. “ _ Wo De Tian A _ , I think I’m going to be sick.” He rushed past Mal and Zoe, fleeing through the common room door on the opposite side. Mal grinned broadly at the Doctor’s reaction.

“Was that really necessary, sir?” Zoe asked.

“What?” Mal asked innocently. “Boy needs to learn how to hold his drink. ‘Sides, I wasn’t jokin’ about the sheathin’.” He reached to the shelf and grabbed the jug of wine, uncapping it. “Can you imagine what it’d be like to have a miniaturized version of Jayne skulkin’ about?”

Zoe cringed. “I’d honestly rather not think of it, sir.” 

Mal placed the jug to his lips, taking a long drink. “Me neither.”


	7. Chapter 7

“I can’t believe I agreed to do this,” Jayne grumbled as he stood on the bridge once more. “The Doc better make good on his word and tell Preacher not to sermonize me on the Special Hell.”

“You’re complaining about having to have sex with a woman,” Wash muttered, shaking his head. “Oh, damn this cruel and unjust ‘verse!”

“That’s enough,” Mal interrupted, looking Jayne up and down. “Well, you went and got yourself all prettified.” He sniffed the air. “Are you… are you wearin’ perfume?”

“I believe that’s soap you’re smelling, Mal,” Wash chimed in. “A scent most foreign to the likes of Jayne.”

Zoe playfully batted Wash in the shoulder, encouraging him to keep his mouth shut.

“And did you shave?” Mal gawked.

Jayne shrugged abashedly. “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with lookin’ nice for a girl. Hence the jacket.” He pulled uncomfortably on the cuff of the sleeves.

“Careful, Jayne,” Zoe warned. “People might mistake you for a gentlemen. Them threads look a bit small on you though.”

“That’s ‘cause I borrowed ‘em,” Jayne smirked.

“Hey, wait!” Wash gasped, finally figuring out why the jacket had seemed familiar to him. “That’s  _ my  _ jacket!”

“It is?” Zoe asked. “I don’t remember seeing that one.”

“That’s because I bought it and tucked it away in my suitcase for that special getaway we never got to take,” Wash grumbled.

Jayne rolled his shoulders against the fabric. “It’s a nice ‘un, but it  _ is  _ a mite snug.”

“Well, I think you look nice,” Zoe said encouragingly.

“Are we just going to gloss over the fact that he was in our room uninvited?” Wash complained.

“Well, we could ask Miss Juniper Hills what she thinks,” Jayne said slyly, tapping the inner pocket of the jacket and slightly revealing the pages to a worn magazine.

Wash’s eyes went wide for a moment. “You know, Jayne, I think that jacket looks real nice on you. In fact, why don’t you keep it?”

Zoe cocked an eyebrow and looked at Wash. “Honey, who’s Miss Juniper Hills?”

“I-uh-” Wash stammered. “No one.”

“Is she one of them pin up girls who show off their goods whilst talkin’ ‘bout her likes and interests?” Kaylee asked as she walked in.

“Now how would you know ‘bout somethin’ like that?” Mal asked, genuinely interested.

Kaylee grinned. “What? Them magazines got good articles.”

A lewd smile twitched on Jayne’s lips. “Kaylee reads dirty mags? Huh, guess I won’t be needin’ this one after all.” He pulled the magazine from his coat and tossed it to Wash.

Wash fumbled with it, quickly dropping it to the floor and kicking it under his chair.

Zoe craned her head and looked down at the magazine. “Ah, so that’s the infamous Miss Juniper.” She narrowed her eyes at Wash. “We’re gonna have ourselves a nice long talk when this is all sorted, husband.”

“I cherish those,” Wash replied nervously.

“Alright, I’m ready to go,” Jayne stated. “Point me to the sex crazed  _ Ching Soh.” _

“Simon’s got her in medical,” Mal said. “She’s waitin’ for you there.”

“Actually, she ain’t,” Kaylee remarked.

“Come again?” Mal asked.

“Yeah, come again?” Jayne echoed.

Kaylee splayed her fingers timidly. “Well, I got to thinkin’ ‘bout River’s situation. She didn’t really wanna hump Jayne. Not really, anyway, and she didn’t wanna be a mamma. No one told her she had other options that didn’t involve no partners. She didn’t trust Simon not to drug her and none of you was gonna have the talk with her.”

“I’m confused,” Zoe said, crossing her arms. “What exactly did you do?”

“Well, I took care of it!” Kaylee revealed enthusiastically, clasping her hands together. “Now River don’t gotta sleep with Jayne no more!”

Mal scratched his head. “I’m at a bit of a loss here, Kaylee. How did you come to take care of it?”

“Oh, that was the easy part!” Kaylee explained. “I just told her that she didn’t need a man, or woman for that matter, to give her what she wanted and kind of told her how to--” Kaylee trailed off.

“Is it just me, or is everyone else uncomfortable?” Wash squeaked.

“Anyway, problem solved!” Kaylee grinned. “River’s back to her ole’ self and everything’s shiny. Just thought you should know.” Kaylee nodded anxiously before quickly turning and fleeing the bridge. 

“Doc’s gonna have a coronary when he hears this,” Zoe speculated.

Mal smiled. “Let me tell him.”

“Wait, does this mean I don’t gotta have sex with her?” Jayne asked.

“Looks like you dodged a bullet, big guy,” Wash mused as he bent down to pick up the magazine under his chair.

“Gimme that!” Jayne growled, ripping the magazine from Wash’s hands. “I’ll be in my bunk.” He shoved past Mal and Zoe, disappearing through the door.

“Well,” Mal sighed. “That was an adventure.”

“And now it’s over!” Wash said excitedly. “We can get back to our lives. Hurray!”

“Not so fast,” Zoe responded, turning to Wash. “You’ve still got some explainin’ to do.” She looked at Mal. “Sir, can you take the helm? My husband and I need to perform a little bunk check.”

Wash looked over to the Captain, his eyes pleading. “Mal, I beg of you, don’t leave me alone with her!”

Mal hissed through his teeth. “Seems you made your bed, now you gotta sleep in it. Oh, incidentally, Zoe, check under the mattress. Likely there’s some contraband hidden there.”

“Traitor,” Wash shouted as Zoe grabbed his arm and drug him from the room.


	8. Chapter 8

Mal was preparing dinner for himself when River entered the common room.

“Feeling better, I take it?” He asked conversationally.

River smiled shyly. She was wearing an oversized sweater and a long pink skirt which ruffled at her feet. Mal appreciated that she was dressed modestly again.

“Yes, much,” River replied, eyeing Mal’s plate of food.

Without a word, he slid the plate over to her and began fixing himself another. “Good, glad to hear it.”

River picked up the plate and plopped down at the table. She picked at the food, her eyes dancing from the plate and to Mal.

“Somethin’ on your mind?” He asked.

“Before,” River began, chewing thoughtfully on a piece of dried fruit. “When I said you weren’t a candidate, I lied.”

Mal abruptly stopped pouring food on his plate and turned to River. “What now? You lied?”

“Yes,” River said, casually placing bits of food in her mouth.

“Okay,” Mal sighed, more confused than ever. “Why’d you lie?”

River shrugged. “Age wasn’t a factor. It never was. It’s about how I see you, our connection.”

“We have a connection, do we?” Mal asked. “And what might that be?”

River continued to eat, never looking at Mal as she spoke. “He never came for me, never came for us. Never believed. Simon believed, but he never did. Had to keep up appearances and social  _ Go Shi. _ Now, it’s like we’re gone and he doesn’t look for us, doesn’t care.”

Mal sat down at the table. “Who?” He asked.

River swallowed her mouthful of food, her eyes finally meeting Mal’s. “Our father.”

“Oh,” Mal nodded. “I can’t imagine what it’s like, but I’m guessin’ your daddy misses you and he’s worried ‘bout you every single day.”

River shook her head. “He doesn’t. He doesn’t want to be branded, so he doesn’t care. But you do.” River smiled at Mal. “You’ll always come back for us. For me. You’re our father now.”

Mal gaped at River. “Well, I’m...I’m honored you think of me that way.”

“That’s why you couldn’t be a candidate,” River’s eyes fell back to her plate. “Simon doesn’t know.”

“Well, it’ll be our little secret, then,” Mal assured her. River bounced up, stretching across the table and planting a swift kiss on Mal’s cheek before bounding playfully out of the room. Mal watched her go, a small smile still painted on his lips.

“She gone?” Jayne asked from the other doorway.

“For now,” Mal replied.

“Good,” Jayne said as he stepped through the door. “I’m hungry. What were you two conversin’ about?”

“Oh, nothin’ much,” Mal hummed. “Just that she see’s me as a father figure is all.”

“Oh, yeah?” Jayne asked as he pilfered a hunk of tinned bread from River’s abandoned plate. “Was a time she woulda called me daddy.”

“And to think some folks claim you got no class,” Mal scoffed, shaking his head.

“I know,” Jayne replied with a mouthful of bread. “Hard to believe, ain’t it?”

“Overly,” Mal replied, returning to the plate of food he’d left on the counter before Jayne could claim it. 

“We get word from Memphis?” Jayne asked as he continued to chew.

“Yep, secured the job and Wash got us a course all laid out,” Mal replied. 

Jayne brushed the crumbs off his shirt. “Time to get paid. Shiny!”

Mal chuckled to himself. It was just another day in the life of Serenity and her crew.


End file.
